Roommate Problems

    The feelings experienced when starting a University are very complex. You are taking steps out on your own. Experiencing a new level of educational level, and your surroundings are altered exponentially. You must make new friends, and live with someone you do not know. When I first started my undergraduate education, my roommate was chosen randomly. At first we were excited, got along well, and spent much time together. However, as we learned more about each other and our living habits, conflicts arose. We were vastly different, and as time lapsed, it became increasingly difficult to live comfortably. We fought about cleaning, study time vs television time, lights out, boys in the room, and hurtful manners we imposed on the other. At the end of the semester, my roommate moved out. She was looking for someone to be her best friend, not just a roommate.

    You need to communicate with your roommate. It is essential! Roommate problems can be distracting and even debilitating when they escalate. Set a cleaning schedule. Make lists about study times, sleep patterns, and class schedules. Include in your list behaviors that may trigger you to become angry, shy, uncomfortable, outgoing, or happy. I know it sounds silly, but you can prevent many issues from ever occurring by these simple tasks. You might just learn a little about yourself in the process. If there is an issue, be polite to your roommate, but ask if you can compromise. It might be best not to spend all your time with your roommate. Meet other people in your dorm, and join organizations to expand your acquaintances. By interacting with other people, you will not allow small annoyances to bother you or your roommate. Be understanding. Everyone is different, and this is a new experience for you and your roommate. No one is exactly like you, and you must be compromising in order for a good living environment to be present. Remember, in the workplace, you may have issues with your coworkers, but you must be able to cooperate to achieve goals. It's difficult at times, but roommates are a good thing. They help you to learn adaptation, conflict resolution, and can be your best friend in times of need. A roommate can be motivational, someone to have lunch or workout with, a friendly hello, or even a shoulder to cry on. Enjoy living in the dorms, having roommates, and learning about others. Even if problems arise, you won't regret it.

Cassandra Regine Chalker

Creighton University

Dormitory Survival:

I have had just about everything thrown at me during my 4 years living in the dorms on campus.
My quad mates made it interesting:

    My freshman year, I lived in an all girls building which meant constant drama; you can make lots of friends this way that you’ll keep forever but it goes the same for enemies, too.

    My sophomore year, one of the girls refused to touch anything in the quad or the bathroom without spraying it down with loads of Lysol first. She completely freaked out when she found a sock near the outside of her door that did not belong to her.

    My junior year, one of the girls liked to sing, a.k.a. scream at the top of her lungs, every night – especially when I was studying. Another girl refused to speak to anyone except for her roommate because we were friends with someone who she did not like.

    My senior year, of the 8 girls in the quad only myself and one other girl stayed there on the weekends; thankfully, the other girl is a good friend and we just became closer because of it. During the week at least 3 of them were never there either because they stayed with their boyfriends. Meanwhile, this was the year of the pets; only fish are allowed in the dorms. One of my quad mates decided to ignore these rules – she brought kittens that stayed there for awhile, a parrot which she allowed to fly around the quad and into our rooms, a dog, and fish. She even gave the dog a bath in our showers, and she left her trash in a pile outside her door while the trash room was 2 doors down from our quad.

You have to be able to communicate as an adult because people are insecure when confronted about their living style and personal space. In extreme cases where a conflict cannot be safely and maturely resolved, do not hesitate to go to your R.A.

- Be open because you may become friends through differences with people you would have thought you would never even hangout with in the past.

- Be respectful of everyone’s personal space and belongings.

- Respect, Be Open, and Be Clean (at least to a humane level).

Samantha Lynn Farris

Frostburg State University

Campus/Dormitory Issues

Realize that harmony in your living environment is a huge comfort to you during your dorm years. While it is not mandatory that you become friends with your roommates, it certain does help.

The first things roommates usually fight about are cleaning responsibilities and messes. If you live in a dorm make certain you are not “invading your dormmate’s space.” Clearly identify what is yours and what is theirs, even labeling your stuff if you have to. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then again, so are dormie fights. A little tape and a sharpie marker can go a long way.

If you live in a shared apartment, make a rule to do your dishes right after you eat. (This means you make the time to plan at least 20 minutes for cooking and 10 minutes for putting away ingredients or cleaning up afterwards.) If you need to load the dishwasher as you go, then do so. Keeping the sink clear of smelly dishes helps avoid embarrassing confrontations later. I once had a roommate decide to put the smelly food-stained dishes inside the bed of the perpetrator. Needless to say this was not a welcome pleasant surprise for that person. It also invited further conflict. Don’t do these childish things and fight over simple tasks. Set the rules up front, and then follow them.

Clean your room regularly. It’s hard to study within a messy environment. Your brain likes things to be organized and not distracting. Think about it, have you ever seen a messy library? That’s one reason that people like to study there, it’s quiet, predictable, and organized. You can concentrate within an environment that is in good order.

Realize that another thing that may cause conflict is who gets to bring their annoying friends into your space. The fact is you’re just not going to naturally like everyone you meet. Again, this is something to discuss ahead of time. Is it ok for friends to come over? How late is too late for visitors when you’re trying to sleep? What’s off-limits to guests? Be mature, but be realistic. There are lots of other hangouts for friends like the Student Center or Student Union building, if you need to discuss a compromise.

Part of the college experience is learning to cope with emotional problems and different types of people. That’s one reason employers like college grads. They’re banking on the fact that you’ve learned some interpersonal skills in dealing with different people along the way. One way to do this is with a roommate experience.

Everyone was raised in a different family with different rules and expectations. Just face it, some people are louder, messier, smarter, shyer, more prone to drinking, more prone to studying, love sleeping, like to be early risers, have poor hygiene, are obsessively clean, sing off-key, break things easily, and the list goes on….Chances are there might be something about a person that is incompatible between the two of you. Do you best to mediate the problem and be honest, respectful, and don’t resort to petty childish games and pranks. Revenge is also not very cool because you are particularly vulnerable with your personal health and valuables in this shared space. You need your sleep, privacy, clothing, food, and comfort when you’re at home. Don’t risk losing these things.

If you need a roommate change, then don’t be afraid to request one. It’s not quitting, or “being a quitter,” it’s being pragmatic and moving on to something better when you realize that something doesn’t work very well. That’s what mature adults do. It’s called being solution-oriented. While most apartment managers and resident assistants will expect you to give it at least a few tries, they’d rather have you be happy eventually if they can see that these problems aren’t going to end anytime soon. The least amount of complaints they receive, the better.

For next semester, or next year visit your friends’ dorms and apartments. This may be a living environment option for you in the future. One way to find peace while you’re at home is to room with people who share your values and want you to be successful. Those people often make the best roommates.

Tiffany Sanford Jenson PhD, Sociology University of Oklahoma

 I think most entering freshman are concerned about their roommate and housing situation. Going random or potluck makes this worry especially daunting. After a few days of living with my roommate, who began as a complete stranger, I started to realize that everything was working out better than I had imagined. Of course, little things she did bothered me every now and then, as with anyone that you're living with. But, I think the most important key in having a successful housing experience is being understanding and easy-going. You have to acknowledge that both you and your roommate will do things that bother each other at some point. The crucial part is not letting tiny annoyances get in the way of what could become a very lasting friendship and bond.

Alexandra Ernst

Biology, Philosophy

Vanderbilt University

A Note on Dorms

    My freshman year, I got randomly placed in The Social Dorm. Upon hearing of this, I was initially overjoyed, because all I thought was, "The Dorm Without Private Bathrooms, Meaning I Don't Have To Clean a Toilet." Well, I suppose every silver lining has a cloud... "Social" was the euphemism I would hear many times that year, most noted in the spring, when I had been living there for almost a full academic year and high school juniors were being led around on campus tours. "And to your left you'll see our most SOCIAL freshman dorm!" I was tempted to stick my head out my window and yell back a response something along the lines of, "I strongly feel that a more truthful adjective could be found to replace yours!" Except I would have narrowed that down to one word which I would not want to shout to the parents of the prospective students. Though my bitterness may have stemmed more from the tour guide waking me up every Saturday afternoon than from actual dorm hatred. But to be honest, I did experience many different instances of "social" that year.

    The range and variety were endless. I can offer up a handful of examples, but it would only be scraping the op of the Petri dish. There was, usually between the hours of 2am and 4am, weekday or weekend, "EEEIEIEIIEIEIEIEIEIIE!!!!! giggle giggle EIEEEEEIEIIIEEEE!!!!" amplified by the echo provided by long hallways, a la prison. There was loud, pulsing music played at all hours, in total disregard for the never-enforced quiet hours, and I considered it to be a good day when the music was not in the form of drunken karaoke (a surprisingly common occurrence). Even when my dormmates were sober, they were piled into too-small rooms, laughing and blasting music or TVs, and generally using their rooms for the opposite of what I used mine for- avoiding people who went out every night and then piled into your room to giggle.

    Now, I liked to socialize, but compared to my floormates, I was the hermit on the mountain. The initial awkwardness of the first weeks of college, where you are bound to any and every other freshman by your common desire to not seem like the token leper, taught me that I had nothing in common with all but about 2 people on a floor of approximately 200. I had made every effort. I had initially piled into rooms and struck up conversations and went to meals with people I didn't know, and the more I spent time with them... well, the less I wanted to spend time with them. I used my room for study and sleep and not much else.

    My roommate left halfway through the year, and I had my own room. It was magical. I could socialize as much as I wanted to outside my dorm, but once I came back to my room, I could relax, recover, and write that 15-page research paper without interruption. There was just one fly in the ointment- I began to feel guilty that I was spending so much time behind a closed door, studying by myself, when it seemed like everyone around me was constantly making friends, connections, and being a normal, well-adjusted college student. I knew I was exaggerating. I knew that, at any given moment, others were toiling away in silence like I was. But toiling away in silence does not, by its very nature, call much attention to itself, so it went unnoticed. Whereas the group of girls trying to piece together what they did last night was VERY hard to miss.

    You may wonder who I would feel guilty to, and I suppose that was myself. I thought that I was limiting myself by not practicing social skills that may be more important in the real world than the book learning I was doing instead. This was something I had always struggled with- getting enough of a balance of social and academic training. My resolution was this- I should not feel forced to interact with people. If I simply "didn't click with them" (or secretly wished they'd all drop out and leave...), why force myself to suffer? When I was feeling like the world around me was getting ready to party, I would leave my room and find places where I was surrounded by other solitary studiers, like the library or a bookstore. This stopped my anxiety that I was missing out on something, and reassured me that there were, in fact, others who studied and stayed in during the week. And the amazing friends I met- NOT in my dorm- allowed me a more positive social experience.

Isabella Maria Janusz International Relations Georgetown University

Eric Salazar

Princeton University

    Roommates at college can either make or break a person’s college career; therefore, it’s essential to learn how to live successfully with another individual in a dorm. Most colleges will let students pick their own roommates; thus, many students choose to live with a person who they are already friends with from high school. Unfortunately, a lot of these arrangements fail to work out because many people have certain expectations of how their friends should act, and they carry these expectations into the living arrangements without developing a proper roommate agreement. All pairs of roommates, even random ones assigned by the college’s housing and residence life department, should develop a roommate agreement. At the beginning of the semester, roommates should discuss topics to write in their agreement such as how the chores, like taking out the trash, will be divided up, the appropriate time to have guests over, when the lights should be turned out for sleeping, when quiet times should be for studying, and which items, like printers, can be shared. The last thing you want to happen is for your roommate to have a loud guest over at four in the morning when you are trying to sleep and you have an exam at eight. Nor do you want to have to study when your roommate has friends over who are singing along to music blasting on the stereo. Roommate agreements help solve these issues by helping to create better living situations, and overall, a less stressful living environment can help improve your attitude towards your classes and your extracurricular activities, which can result in higher grades and a more fulfilling college experience.

Sarah Elizabeth Compton

University of North Carolina

Be honest with your roommate.

Even if you do most of your work in the library, there are times when you'll find yourself studying or writing a paper in your dorm room. Having a roommate does not mean you have to lose focus. If he/she is in the room when you've got a major deadline approaching, be clear and honest-- fight the temptation to be vague and snappy!

Wrong: "Can you PLEASE shut up? I'm sorry but I have assignment and I'm freaking out. I can't deal with your music right now."

Right: "Do you think you can put on headphones or something/go out in the hall to talk on the phone/etc. I'm freaking out-- I have this 10-page history essay due tomorrow and I've got to finish editing."

The "wrong way" is not necessarily offensive or rude. Nonetheless, there are benefits to taking a moment to be a bit more specific. Specificity makes it easier for your roommate to understand where you're coming from and ensures that he/she won't feel personally attacked by your request. This language works for all types of roommate pairs-- from the best-friend-and-roommate to the absolute-enemy-and-roommate.

Amanda Katherine Bresler

Georgetown University

Dealing with Roommates

Roommates are a tricky thing in college. Everyone is different. Here are some tips on how to deal with them. The first thing is staying up late if you to , but your roommate doesn't. Try room dividers or curtains to ensure a lightless sleep, but still be aware they don't block out sound. Food is another big part. You can try going to the supermarket together once a week, but if that doesn't work out do a, you buy your food and I'll buy mine. That's all avoided if your college has a food court. Yet another big thing is appliances. You don't want to end up with two of everything and no room for you. To avoid this, try getting in contact with your roommate and decide who's bringing what.

Important reminder - Follow your college guidelines. You may not be allowed to bring any of that stuff or it may already be there. Be wise and plan ahead.

Janice Bragunier

Masters, Special Education

Shippensburg University

On Lousy Roommates

If you’re reading this, you’re most likely torn by your living situation. Here are some tips for managing a nightmare roommate.

1. Keep the lines of communication open. We’re a talkative species. If this is a fact you take for granted, just think about how completely awkward it is to take a long, silent elevator ride with a stranger. It’s just weird. Your roommate might be so inconsiderate, the situation so far gone, that it’s impossible to reconcile. Still, if you can just express your frustrations-- calmly-- you’ll be a lot better off. Try using what psychologists call “I” statements. In other words, as opposed to the accusatory, “You always bump your stereo SO loud bro!”, try saying, “Sometimes your music is seriously loud, and when you do that, I feel like you’re just disrespecting me, straight up. I feel really frustrated when that happens.” You’ll see right away that your roommate is more receptive.

2. Take an interest. Keeping the lines of communication open in order to voice grievances is a good step. But cultivating positivity is better. No matter how different you and your roommate are, you most definitely have something in common. If you take an interest in them as a person, they’ll see you as a person too, and will be more inclined to respect your wishes on that account. This is a really easy, and really effective thing to do. Just say, “Hey, how was your day?” “How’s that class going?” “You managing okay with this workload?” Say reassuring things too. “You must be really stressed lately with all the stuff you’ve got going on. Need any help with anything?” Everyone’s got good qualities. Take an interest and you’ll draw them out.

3. Stake your claim. This might seem confrontational, but it’s important that you stake your claim. As far as dorm living goes, half the room is yours. If your roommate has people over all the time, smoking herb and drinking, 9 times out of 10 you’re on the short end of the stick. So have your own people over, and have a good time, or study, or whatever. No justice, no peace.

4. Fill your schedule. If your roommate is always there, always has friends over, always makes a mess, and absolutely refuses to listen to reason, try spending as little time as possible in your room. It’s unlikely that the situation will deteriorate to that point, but you can still make the most of your time. Let’s face it: dorms are really not cool. They’re basically boxes, like military barracks with posters. You’ll be gone soon enough. And there are plenty of better places to be.

5. Keep things light. Laugh at your ridiculous roommate, and laugh at the absurdity of the whole forced thing. Nothing lasts forever, and you’l l have some pretty funny stories when it’s all done.

6. Ask for advice. You can never get enough of it. Talk to anyone who’ll listen, and you’ll get more suggestions than you ever thought possible. The tips you receive will be far less useful than the phenomenal counsel proffered here, but you might just uncover a little nugget somewhere ; )

Keith David Sherman

Master of Arts in International Relations

Northern Arizona University

If you were assigned a roommate rather than choosing your own, it's important to keep reasonable expectations for your interactions. Some people become best friends with their college roommates - but these people are actually the exception, not the rule. If you and your roommate are not a match made in heaven, don't worry. There are many ways to make your time together enjoyable for both of you. Notably, it may be useful - especially if you have different habits - to keep separate spaces. For the first three years of college, I had two-person suites with a bedroom, a bathroom, and a common room. My roommate would move his bed into the common room, since he needed the extra space and I would take the bedroom, since I valued the extra privacy. We didn't become best friends, but we were able to lead our own lives and keep our own schedules, which was very important.

Alex Harris Harvard University

When it comes to your freshman year, it is okay to “go potluck” when it comes to roommate choice. Even if you know someone you could room with, I would still advise going with the luck of the draw.

My best friend and I went to the same college, but chose not to room with each other. We wanted the true college experience. We didn’t live far from each other (right down the hall), but far enough so that we each met new people. We made our own friendships, and in the long run, we nearly doubled our group of friends because we combined them. Also, we are still best friends to this day. We did not want to take the chance of ruining our friendship by rooming together.

In the first few weeks of school, I was forced to go outside my comfort zone, but I truly believe that was a positive thing. Many times in life you’ll be forced to meet new people and make new friends. Your first time at college is usually a good practice run because everyone is in the same boat!

Carissa K. Goodlet Master of Educational Administration Youngstown State University